Well, now that I'm past ranting and hopefully back to rational. (Sorry! I did NOT break up with Shannon. That would be probably the worst decision in the history of my bad decisions. I'm extremely lucky to love and be loved by a man like him. And I digress, so I will stop myself there).
I'm just stressed. S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D. Stressed. There's just more weighing on me than I can handle at the moment. In situations when one more thing is added to the pile, I tend to...who knows. Not think. Overreact. My mother always say I have a flair for the dramatics. And it's even harder when I am not in control anymore. Right now, I feel like everything is out of my control. Which is likely NOT the case, but I feel it just the same.
I worry about school and finishing school and paying for school. I'm stressed with the heightened competition (I am not a competitive person, I am content with merely hard work). I struggle with feeling invisible most days. I struggle with finding another part-time job. I worry that I'll never see Shannon again--it hasn't even been two months, I cannot comprehend waiting a year to see him again. I shouldn't even be worrying that far into the future, but I can't help it. I want to be there.
As much as people tell me to enjoy my time here (which do not get me wrong, I do, it's good to be with family), I can't help feeling a little sad all the time. I just can't pretend things are the same as they were last time I lived at home. It's funny, the one person that would want me here the most, is the only person that understands that it's just going to take more time for me. And that's ok. Ah, mothers. I need her support right now.
Well, I guess this is pretty much the major update for now. It's true that in 31 minutes it will November 1st and NaNoWriMo starts (national novel writting month). And I will be on the marathon to write 50,000 words, do my homework, work, sleep and not go crazy. To be honest, I look forward to noveling. It is the escape I need right now.
Plus, there's nothing better than focusing your efforts on something constructive. I haven't written in a while. This will be good.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
Blackberry Pie, Jobs, House Sitting, HP Robinson, Demachy and the FBI
So, life has taken hold and sleep has started to take a back seat. The demands of life are certainly dragging me in other directions and as usual my bank account lives in the negative (the joy of being home). I went to the farmer's market a few weeks ago and picked up some blackberries for $1 a pack and I made a pie.
(picture of my masterpiece to come)
I haven't made one since I dated my first boyfriend. I made it and he broke up with me. Those events, of course, were not related, but it turned me off blackberry pie for a while. It's such a shame, because it really is good pie and I really love to bake.
I got a job working at the admissions desk of George Eastman House. It's not many hours, but it's a start. I applied for a full time job, but didn't get it. So my quest for a second job must continue. If I could just bring my working hours up to 40 or more a week, I could start making enough to pay bills and maybe save a little. Otherwise, it'll be YEARS before I can ever see Shannon again. Stupid money. Stupid bills. Stupid...well I find a lot of things are stupid.
It's not a hard job and I get to meet people from all over the world and talk photography, George Eastman and travel. All the things I love. Plus, I work with a very friendly crew and I love it. Nothing is better than good coworkers. And I get to see amazing photography from where I sit and occasionally on slow days the cafe bakes cookies and gives them to the staff (score!). It's nice to see another side of the museum and talk politics and get away from the "big shots" and talk to "normal" people. It gives me good inside.
I'm house sitting at Jenny's this weekend. At first, I was lonely, but it's turned out to be a lot better than I thought. I have pets to keep me company, heaps of food and no parent to ask me to do a million things--most times. The only crappy part is that it is a further drive from work. But it's been nice to have time to myself and it's also been nice to take the dogs for walks when I get home from work. I could get used to this doing things on my own. I've kept the house in top shape (did some laundry, cleaned the kitty litter boxes, did the dishes and even made dinner two nights in a row) and I've caught up on watching some movies. I have a kitty on my lap as I type.
Yes, there's always the danger of me becoming a cat lady. I'm just not sure I could tolerate the smell.
I did condition reporting on Friday morning for the TruthBeauty exhibit GEH is putting together and sending to Vancouver. It's a Pictorialist exhibition and YES, I've been priviledged to touch work I have only dreamed about. I am a particular fan of HP Robinson and we got to see some of his famous (and quite large) composite prints. I also got to do my very own condion report for a Demachy print, Stieglitz photogravure and several others. I can't possibly remember them all, but I was trying my hardest not to drool. And it was hard to pay attention to just yours when there were so many to look at! Somedays, I second guess my path in life, but I at least am excited to see some of the world's greatest photographs in a tiny little basement room without any glass between it and myself. It's an intimate as it sounds.
So, I was at work today and a man came in and pulled out a badge. Turns out he was an FBI agent doing an investigation and needed to know if a certain person was around. Random. I have to admit, I just stared at his badge in confusion and then sent him off to the security desk. That was probably the highlight of my day and I've been telling everyone.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I can't help but feel something is missing. I know I am in school and working and trying to do a million things at once, but I still feel as though there is one thing I am not doing. My life is a bit stagnant at the moment. And did I mention stressful? At least the weather here is unseasonably hot and humid (global warming?) and I am thankful for that. But I just wish everything would move along. I'm done with school. I'm done with Rochester. I want my own, adult life now.
That's all.
(picture of my masterpiece to come)
I haven't made one since I dated my first boyfriend. I made it and he broke up with me. Those events, of course, were not related, but it turned me off blackberry pie for a while. It's such a shame, because it really is good pie and I really love to bake.
I got a job working at the admissions desk of George Eastman House. It's not many hours, but it's a start. I applied for a full time job, but didn't get it. So my quest for a second job must continue. If I could just bring my working hours up to 40 or more a week, I could start making enough to pay bills and maybe save a little. Otherwise, it'll be YEARS before I can ever see Shannon again. Stupid money. Stupid bills. Stupid...well I find a lot of things are stupid.
It's not a hard job and I get to meet people from all over the world and talk photography, George Eastman and travel. All the things I love. Plus, I work with a very friendly crew and I love it. Nothing is better than good coworkers. And I get to see amazing photography from where I sit and occasionally on slow days the cafe bakes cookies and gives them to the staff (score!). It's nice to see another side of the museum and talk politics and get away from the "big shots" and talk to "normal" people. It gives me good inside.
I'm house sitting at Jenny's this weekend. At first, I was lonely, but it's turned out to be a lot better than I thought. I have pets to keep me company, heaps of food and no parent to ask me to do a million things--most times. The only crappy part is that it is a further drive from work. But it's been nice to have time to myself and it's also been nice to take the dogs for walks when I get home from work. I could get used to this doing things on my own. I've kept the house in top shape (did some laundry, cleaned the kitty litter boxes, did the dishes and even made dinner two nights in a row) and I've caught up on watching some movies. I have a kitty on my lap as I type.
Yes, there's always the danger of me becoming a cat lady. I'm just not sure I could tolerate the smell.
I did condition reporting on Friday morning for the TruthBeauty exhibit GEH is putting together and sending to Vancouver. It's a Pictorialist exhibition and YES, I've been priviledged to touch work I have only dreamed about. I am a particular fan of HP Robinson and we got to see some of his famous (and quite large) composite prints. I also got to do my very own condion report for a Demachy print, Stieglitz photogravure and several others. I can't possibly remember them all, but I was trying my hardest not to drool. And it was hard to pay attention to just yours when there were so many to look at! Somedays, I second guess my path in life, but I at least am excited to see some of the world's greatest photographs in a tiny little basement room without any glass between it and myself. It's an intimate as it sounds.
So, I was at work today and a man came in and pulled out a badge. Turns out he was an FBI agent doing an investigation and needed to know if a certain person was around. Random. I have to admit, I just stared at his badge in confusion and then sent him off to the security desk. That was probably the highlight of my day and I've been telling everyone.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I can't help but feel something is missing. I know I am in school and working and trying to do a million things at once, but I still feel as though there is one thing I am not doing. My life is a bit stagnant at the moment. And did I mention stressful? At least the weather here is unseasonably hot and humid (global warming?) and I am thankful for that. But I just wish everything would move along. I'm done with school. I'm done with Rochester. I want my own, adult life now.
That's all.
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