Distance Between

"Now there's an ocean between, where I am and where I want to be." - Flogging Molly

When I moved so far away I knew I would feel, at times, strong pangs of homesickness. But I have made my decision to live here, so I have accepted those feelings as natural. But what I didn't think about what just how far away you could feel sometimes.

These feelings and thoughts come from having had a rather tough week; I guess not really for me because I am so removed from the situation. And yet, even in being so far away, I feel that it ought to be affecting me and completely alter the course of my week. And yet things go on, uninterrupted, though I feel stuck in some sort of limbo, unable to express my own feelings and somewhat unsure of what they should be.

This week a friend's father passed away. Though he had been ill many years before, it was quite a shock. I used to be quite close with this friend and his family (we used to sail together) and unfortunately, the years put distance between us. I should be there to offer my condolences, but I feel utterly useless so far away. I feel shocked, pained, dismayed, confused, but mostly useless. What help will a Facebook message offer?

It's made me realise just how much I miss. A year and a half ago a friend passed away quite suddenly. I don't think I had the chance to really grieve or speak to friends who could help me. And being so far away, I can be told my friend is gone, but how am I to know? I am so far away, that I didn't see a funeral or a wake or even a gravestone. I only have Facebook to follow. So much of my life relies on the validity of what I read on Facebook. The miles make it so easy to turn everything into a dream; the world I left behind when I moved is no more than a dream.

I have friends who have had children (beautiful babies who I will not meet until they are much older), friends have been married and divorced. I can't expect life to stop for me when I am so far away, but sometimes you feel it changes much faster than you can grasp it.

And people could tell me that that's the decision I have made when I moved here and I have to understand that life will go on without me and it's normal to feel left behind and isolated. I have a life here and people's lives to share and be a part of. But that doesn't change the fact that somewhere in the world, far from me are people that I love and care about. People who I have known for the better part of my life and I can't be there for them. I can't share their joy or their pain. I can only send a Facebook message to express myself and hope that is enough.

It might be for them, but sometimes it's not enough for me.